What Biblical guidance is there for single Christians on marriage?

Question 11062.

Single Christians are frequently handed a mixture of unhelpful advice, ranging from the assurance that God has someone lined up to the suggestion that they should stop looking and then he will provide, which are two ways of saying that the situation is temporary and slightly embarrassing. Scripture does something much better than that.

The New Testament treats singleness as a state with its own dignity, its own advantages and its own difficulties, and it never once implies that unmarried believers are half finished. Let me set out what it actually says.

Singleness is not a holding pattern

Paul writes at length about this in 1 Corinthians 7, and his conclusion would startle most church noticeboards. He wishes that all were as he himself is, meaning unmarried, and he calls both singleness and marriage gifts from God. You can read the passage at 1 Corinthians 7:7.

That framing matters enormously. Single Christians are not people waiting for a gift. They have already been given one, and the question is what they will do with it rather than how quickly it can be exchanged.

Jesus himself was single, as was Paul, as were a good number of the most fruitful believers in church history. If singleness were a deficiency, the two most influential lives in the New Testament were lived at a permanent disadvantage, which is plainly not what the text suggests.

The advantage Paul names

Paul’s argument is practical rather than mystical. The unmarried person is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord, while the married person is anxious about worldly things, how to please his spouse. He says this not to disparage marriage but to name an obvious reality.

Single Christians have a freedom of movement, of time and of decision that married believers simply do not have. A married man cannot take a posting in a difficult place without weighing it against a family. A single woman can give an evening away without negotiating for it.

Paul adds that he says this for their own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon them, but to promote good order and to secure undivided devotion to the Lord. That last phrase is the point. The advantage is not the absence of responsibility but the possibility of undivided attention.

The difficulty Paul also names

He is not naive about the cost. He acknowledges that not everyone can receive this, that each has his own gift, and that if a person is burning with passion it is better to marry than to burn. That is remarkably down to earth and I am glad it is in Scripture.

So Scripture does not require single Christians to pretend that loneliness and desire are not real. Refusing to acknowledge those things is not spiritual maturity. It is denial dressed up, and it usually collapses at the worst possible moment.

There is a particular grief for those who wanted marriage and did not receive it, and for those whose marriage ended. That grief deserves to be named in churches rather than managed around. It is a loss, and pretending otherwise helps nobody.

The Greek word Paul uses for the unmarried state, agamos, is used without any hint of pity, and he applies it to himself. That is worth holding onto when single Christians are made to feel like a category rather than a person. Paul owned the word.

What single Christians should look for in a spouse

For those who do want to marry, the New Testament gives a short list and it is not the list our culture works from. Marry only in the Lord, which rules out a believer marrying someone outside the faith, and which I have addressed in whether Christians can marry non-Christians.

Beyond that, look for character rather than chemistry. Proverbs 31 is not primarily a checklist for finding a wife but it does show what is valued, and the qualifications Paul gives for church leaders describe a kind of person worth marrying whether or not they ever hold office.

Ask what this person is like when they are tired, thwarted or corrected. That is the person you will actually live with. Single Christians who evaluate a potential spouse only at their best are assessing a performance rather than a person.

Contentment is not resignation

Paul says he has learned in whatever situation he is to be content, and the word learned is doing a lot of work in that sentence. Contentment is not a temperament some people are born with. It is acquired, usually slowly and usually through the very circumstances we would have avoided.

For single Christians, contentment does not mean pretending you no longer want to be married. It means that the wanting no longer runs your life, and that God is genuinely enough on a Tuesday evening when the flat is quiet.

It also means refusing to put life on hold. Buy the house, take the job, start the ministry, make the friendships. A life lived in the departure lounge is a life half spent, and the flight may not be coming.

The church’s part in this

I have to say something to churches here, because we have often made this harder than it needed to be. When every event is aimed at families, when the preaching illustrations all assume a spouse, when singleness is mentioned only as a problem to be solved, single Christians learn quickly that they are guests in somebody else’s church.

The New Testament pictures the church as a family in which the unmarried are not spare parts. Paul tells Timothy to treat older men as fathers, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers and younger women as sisters in all purity. That is a household, not a collection of nuclear units.

Practically, that means inviting people to Sunday lunch, giving them real responsibility, and asking about their lives rather than their prospects. It costs very little and it changes how a congregation feels to the person walking in alone.

There is also a place for older believers to speak into this well. Paul’s instruction that older women should teach the younger assumes a church where the generations actually talk. Single Christians benefit enormously from friendship with married couples who are honest about their own marriages rather than presenting a polished version of them. You can read the pattern at Titus 2:3 to 5.

Purity in a long wait

Sexual holiness is not suspended while you wait. Paul is direct that this is the will of God, your sanctification, that you abstain from sexual immorality, and he writes to a city where nobody expected that of anyone. The standard has never been culturally easy.

The pressures now are different in shape but not in kind. What is available on a phone at midnight would have astonished Corinth, and single Christians face it without the ordinary protections of a shared household. That calls for real practical wisdom about devices, accountability and habits.

I would say plainly that failure here is not the end. Confession is available, cleansing is promised, and there is no sin in this area that puts a believer beyond the reach of grace. But do not fight it alone, because isolation is where this particular battle is usually lost.

Wanting marriage is not unspiritual

Some single Christians have been made to feel that the desire itself is a lack of faith, as though wanting a spouse were a sign of discontent with God. That is nonsense and it is cruel. God made marriage, called it good, and put the desire for companionship into us before sin entered the world.

Pray for it plainly. Ask friends to pray. Put yourself where you might actually meet believers rather than expecting God to deliver somebody to your door. There is nothing unspiritual about ordinary means, and the Bible is full of people who arranged introductions.

At the same time, hold it open handed. God has not promised marriage to anyone, and a prayer offered with a clenched fist tends to curdle. Ask, and then keep living.

Read the story of Ruth if you want an example of ordinary means and providence working together. Naomi gave advice, Ruth acted on it, Boaz responded, and the whole thing reads as a series of unremarkable human decisions through which God did something enormous. He generally works like that, and I have written more on the wider question in what the Bible says about singleness.

So, now what?

If you are single, decide this week to invest in something that outlasts your marital status. A ministry, a friendship, a discipline of study. Single Christians who build a full life do not become less marriageable by doing so. They become more themselves, which is rather the point.

If you are married, look around your church for someone who is not and do something ordinary about it. An invitation to a meal is worth more than a sermon on inclusion, and it takes about the same amount of effort as ignoring them.

And if the waiting has become bitter, take that to God rather than around him. He is not fragile and he is not offended by your disappointment. What would it look like for you to be fully alive to God in the situation you are actually in, rather than the one you are hoping for?

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 7:32, ESV