What about dating and marriage?

Question 11006

For single Christians, few questions are more pressing than how to approach relationships. The Bible was written in cultures where arranged marriages were the norm, so it does not give us a step-by-step guide to modern dating. Yet it provides principles that should shape how we pursue marriage.

Marriage is Good

Let us start with the positive. Marriage was God’s idea. “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'” (Genesis 2:18). This was spoken before the fall, in a perfect world. Even then, Adam needed a companion. Marriage is not a concession to human weakness; it is part of God’s original design.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). Marriage is a good thing, a blessing, a gift. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting to be married. It is a desire God placed within most people.

That said, singleness is also good. Paul wrote, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” (1 Corinthians 7:7). Some are called to singleness, and that is a gift, not a second-class status. Jesus was single. Paul was single (at least during his ministry). If you are single, you are not incomplete. But if you desire marriage, that desire is right and good.

Only Marry a Believer

This is the non-negotiable starting point. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). While this passage applies broadly, it certainly includes marriage. How can you be one flesh with someone who does not share your most fundamental commitment?

The Old Testament repeatedly warned Israel not to intermarry with the pagan nations around them (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). Why? “For they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods.” Solomon, the wisest man alive, was brought down by his foreign wives who “turned away his heart after other gods” (1 Kings 11:4). Do not think you are wiser than Solomon.

“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals'” (1 Corinthians 15:33). There is no closer company than a spouse. If you marry an unbeliever hoping to convert them, you are playing with fire. Some do come to faith, but many do not, and the spiritual cost is enormous. Do not enter into a relationship with an unbeliever hoping it will turn into something else.

Look for Character, Not Just Chemistry

Physical attraction matters. Song of Solomon celebrates the delight of romantic love. But attraction fades if character is lacking. What qualities should you look for?

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). Fear of the Lord is the foundation. Does this person love God? Is their faith growing? Do they take sin seriously and pursue holiness? These matter far more than appearance or personality.

Look for the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). You will be living with this person for decades. Do they handle conflict well? Are they humble? Can they admit when they are wrong? Are they generous or selfish? Watch how they treat others, especially those who cannot benefit them.

Consider practical matters too. Do you share values about money, children, church, and life direction? Are you compatible in temperament? Can you communicate well? These are not unspiritual concerns; they affect whether your marriage will thrive or merely survive.

Pursue Purity

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honour” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4). Sexual intimacy belongs within marriage, not before it. This is clear and consistent throughout Scripture.

“Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Notice the word “flee.” Do not flirt with temptation. Do not see how close to the line you can get. Run in the other direction. Set boundaries that protect you both. Avoid situations where temptation is strong. If you are seriously dating, do not spend long hours alone in private places.

If you have already failed in this area, there is forgiveness in Jesus. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). But do not use grace as an excuse to keep sinning. Repent, establish safeguards, and move forward in purity.

Take It Seriously

Modern dating culture often treats relationships as disposable. Try someone out, and if it does not work, move on to the next. But marriage is not disposable. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Mark 10:9). If marriage is permanent, the process of choosing a spouse should be serious.

This does not mean you must know on the first date whether you will marry someone. Relationships take time to develop. But it does mean you should have marriage in view. Recreational dating, where you have no intention of moving toward marriage, wastes time and can damage hearts.

Involve others in the process. Seek input from family and trusted friends. They can see things you cannot. If everyone who knows you has concerns about the relationship, pay attention. “In an abundance of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).

What About Arranged Marriages?

In many cultures, marriages are still arranged by families. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. Isaac’s marriage to Rebekah was arranged by Abraham’s servant (Genesis 24), and it was a godly union. The key is that both parties should freely consent. Forced marriage is wrong, but family involvement in the process can be wise.

Western individualism assumes we should choose entirely for ourselves. But families often have wisdom that infatuated young people lack. Whether you find your spouse through dating, introduction, or family arrangement, the same principles apply: marry a believer, look for character, pursue purity, take it seriously.

Conclusion

There is no one right way to find a spouse. Some meet at church, some at work, some through mutual friends, some online. The method matters less than the principles. Keep Jesus at the centre. Marry someone who loves Him. Guard your purity. Seek wisdom from Scripture and from godly counsellors. And trust God with the timing. He brought Eve to Adam, Rebekah to Isaac, Ruth to Boaz. He can bring the right person into your life in His time and His way. Wait for Him.

“House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.” Proverbs 19:14